my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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