life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think your dad took our porno
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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