No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
