hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
