Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
