My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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