Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
