what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
