matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
