fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
