do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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