Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
