He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
