is your mom at the bar?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
