awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize