It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
