I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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