Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
