what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
even my farts smell like vagina
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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