I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
