Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
