I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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