Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
