Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize