This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize