Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
