I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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