before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My feet surprised me
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