i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
