I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
