Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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