actually, I'm a sock model
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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