I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
