My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
