so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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