Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
