there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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