Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
