I will die if light touches me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
