Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize