My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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