I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
the liver wants what the liver wants
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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