Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
