i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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