Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
