I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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