Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
