Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
