The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
