My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
