this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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