I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
