hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I need help removing her.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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