im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
