I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
