When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize