so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
