yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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