I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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