I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
