After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He passed out mid-signature
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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